Hey all, I’m back (on my blog and in my own flat in Stellies)!
WOW what a few months we have all had. The Corona Virus has definitely made this year be one that few of us will forget. I’m actually expecting that a lot of us will be telling stories to our kids and grandkids in a few years to come! I’m thinking this will be one of those moments in which we say ‘Where were you when Corona hit’ much like we remember where we were when Princess Diana died or on 9/11.
The Covid pandemic has had a profound effect on me and my life. I have been blessed thus far not to have had the disease myself, and nor has any of my close family or friends. And I am so thankful for that. But the pandemic has totally disrupted my life, the way I do things, and even my relationships. So I want to talk about the impact on my life, specifically as an athlete but also as a person with a disability. I acknowledge that there has been many people who have experienced the last few months a lot worse than I have, and yet I think it’s important for each of us to share our experiences because maybe it can help someone else and be therapeutic for ourselves.
By mid-February, I was possibly heading for the biggest sporting year of my life. I had just completed the toughest SA Championships ever, but it had been worth it. I had been selected for the South African Para-cycling team again, and not only that but I had been added to the long list for the Tokyo Paralympics! SASCOC had also allocated funding to me to travel to competitions in Europe to qualify for the Paralympics. It was looking like the decision to go full time with my cycling was about to pay off and I was about to enter the highest ranks of being an athlete – the Olympics /Paralympics!
Just about three weeks later I was rushing around my flat, hurriedly packing my cases to get home before the country went into a three-week lockdown. The three weeks turned into five months of living with my family in close quarters. While it was nice spending time with my family, it was a difficult time as well. Everyone was stressed, worried and unsure of what was going to happen. I also had to deal with the fact that after sixteen years I was living at home again. I lost the ability to do my own thing, operating semi-independently as I do in my own flat (because my mother’s place isn’t set up for me) and I was separated from my friends and support system back in Stellies. Sportwise, everything for para-cycling was at first postponed and later cancelled for the year. My opportunity to go back to Italy for a third time, cancelled. The opportunity to go to Ostend, Belgium, a place and environment that I thoroughly enjoyed last year, delayed for a year. The opportunity to see friends now living in Belgium, and cycling friends from around for globe, on hold. The opportunity to receive funding for my travels from SASCOC, gone. An opportunity to be part of the biggest sporting festival in the world, probably lost forever. (Olympics might happen again, but will it ever be hosted in the same way again? Thousands of people in the same stadium? All athletes and coaches from across the world eating in a large dining tent? - doubtful).
Eventually in August the time came for me to move back to my flat, but I wasn’t just going back, I was entering the uncertain world which is now called ‘the new normal’. As someone with a disability and someone who is more vulnerable than others when I get sick, the new normal is a scary, isolating and even a traumatic place. Wearing a mask – something which is a nuisance to many, but a necessary tool at the moment, is one of the most isolating things for me. Because people can’t see my mouth, they are now unable to understand me. Last Sunday I was sitting in church and despite being next to friends, I couldn’t part-take in conversations because they could not understand what I was saying. Due to my movements the mask keeps falling off my face and I have to keep pulling it up, despite governments and medical professionals saying ‘Don’t touch your mask’. Sometimes the isolation while in public and the problem with keeping my mask on makes it just easier to stay home. But that brings further isolation.
Then there is the nervousness when out, of touching things, hugging friends and so forth. Knowing I am more vulnerable when my lungs get infected I am so conscious of touching things that may have germs on. Early in the pandemic when things were really hectic in hospitals overseas I had the fear that if I got sick and there was a choice between myself and another person getting care, would I be seen as ‘expendable’ due to my disability? Yes sure, I know my family would fight for my cause, but the fear or uncertainty of being judged on the basis of my usefulness to society, was a real one. The fear of not having a friend or family member being able to care for my needs in a hospital was another.
As the levels go down and more and more people go back to work, I still feel stuck in the higher levels because my ‘job’ – competitive para-cycling, is still on hold. As I sit typing this blog I have one ear listening to the tv because the Giro d’'italia is on (a three week cycling race in Italy). The able-bodied racing for the elite men and women started again in August/September because they were rescheduled, but none of our races were rescheduled. Initially I was glad that we weren’t required to travel and race right now, but as we head towards the end of the year and the number of Covid cases once again rise in Europe, the uncertainty for me also rises. What if next year things are not different and we need to travel during ‘high case’ numbers? What does the cyclist do if they once again cancel all our races? What if the Olympics and Paralympics are not held next year? Will I still be racing when they come around again in 2024? How do I plan my training if I don’t know when or if I will race again?
In the midst is of all of this, life has continued. A very close family friend suddenly passed away last month and it really affected me. My best friend, Anet, has moved back to Namibia and is getting married in December. She was one of the most frequent visitors to my flat and I miss her popping in for tea and lending a hand with practical tasks. Her wedding is in Namibia and at the moment it is one of the most difficult decisions facing me. Do I, and how do I, attend her wedding safely? I physically want to be at her wedding and not being there, or having to watch it on zoom just brings tears to my eyes and breaks, at this stage, my fragile heart. But the idea of facing Cape Town International airport alone (because I don’t think people who are not flying are allowed in, not sure), and sitting in an airplane is so daunting right now. After years of adventures and friendship I can’t wait to see her on her wedding day and give her a hug (Social distancing or not!).
We are definitely all facing uncertainty right now and I for one, feel very unbalanced but I know I am not the only one…..