Sitting in front of a blank document is always daunting and that is never truer when you are unsure if you are emotionally ready to put something on paper. I feel like I owe it to my supporters, sponsors, and those following my journey to write a post Nationals blog/report as one should do, but to understand what I achieved at Nationals you have to know what else was going on in my world and why I wasn’t prepared for one of the most important races on my calendar.
At the end of last year, I set out on a new course in my life. I walked away from the non-profit company that I had started and nurtured for the last nine years. It wasn’t an easy decision and one that I agonized over for months and months. My new focus was my cycling and my public /motivational speaking. I went home for December with all intention of resting and putting my energy into my training and getting myself into peak condition for SA Championships at the start of February. My trip to Italy had left me more motivated and encouraged than possibly any competition had and I was determined to be ready to crush it at Nationals.
In November /early December I had reminded my mother that I needed to train during the holiday and asked them to take their exercise bike out of storage. When I got home the bike was not yet out of storage and they were in the midst of their peak season at the restaurant so going out to the storage facility was just not going to happen. I decided to make the best of my time off the bike and rest up because I knew I would train hard once the bike did come. A day or two before New Year’s my parents did burst in the front door with the exercise bike and I think I did my first cycle on it that same afternoon.
During the whole holiday my dad wasn’t very well and was complaining of pain but he had been experiencing a degree of pain for a number of years due to a previous operation about five years ago and had general aches and pains. So after a doctor’s appointment that cleared him of any dire ailments, we just went on as per usual. It wasn’t until his second appointment on the 10th of January that we found out that he had stage 4 cancer. Just two days later, on the eve on my departure to Stellenbosch, we received word that a close family friend had lost his battle with cancer. I felt I couldn’t just leave my family with so much happening and I really wanted to be at our friend’s memorial service so I decided to stay home an extra week.
As a thirty-five year old woman society expects you to be fully independent. However, when I am out of my normal environment I am completely dependent on those around me for everything. Simple tasks such as showering, making something to eat or drink, (tasks that are part of my post training routine) become tasks that I cannot do myself and have to rely on others to do for me. So with my father not feeling well, both before and after the diagnosis, I found myself skipping training or trying not to sweat during training (and the only way to do that is not to train as hard, which kind of defeats that object of training) all in an effort to have to ask for less assistance from my dad or my mother who was working so hard.
I eventually got back to Stellenbosch on the 21st January and thought I could settle down and have at least two solid weeks of training before I flew up to Pretoria to compete. Two weeks weren’t much but it was better than nothing. However when my Dad deteriorated I was fighting a losing battle with myself. The question of do I go home or do I stay and focus on Nationals was ever present in my mind. It was the Tuesday, just a week after I had arrived in Stellenbosch that I found myself repacking my bags to go home for two days. This was a decision that I will never regret even though it had consequences. For those who don’t know, my parents live about six or seven hours away from Stellenbosch so taking the journey is never a quick decision or trip for me, especially because of the toll it takes on my body.
I arrived back in Stellenbosch late on Friday afternoon, after telling my dad in his hospital bed that the reason I was leaving to go back was to go participate in Nationals. As heart wrenching as it was to leave, I knew that was what he wanted because of a conversation him, my mother and I had had ten days before. Sadly, on Saturday night, the day after I had arrived back my mom phoned to tell me that my father had passed away. (We weren’t expecting it to happen the next day otherwise I would have stayed.) Now a new question plagued me, do I go straight home and be with my mother and brother or do I stay the course and keep my last words to my father?
It wasn’t until I had found a way to compete in one of my Time Trial race on Thursday morning, skip my road race with Cycling SA’s permission, and still get home in time for my father’s memorial on the Friday that I stopped agonizing over what to do.
So on Monday as I packed my case for the umpteen time in the last few weeks. I felt so tired and ill prepared for one of my biggest races of the year that while packing the last of my things I actually asked myself why I was even going? Was it even worth the while to go? With the words that I said to my dad, all costs for the trip already paid, and my friends looking forward to seeing me in Pretoria, I decided to swallow my doubts and head to Nationals.
In the moments before my race emotions were high. I was definitely racing for my dad, but there was another person who I was also racing in memory for. Linda, a sports
classifier in para-cycling, had lost her battle with cancer at the end of July last year and I only received the news after I had returned from Italy. So when I was lining up to race something felt amiss. It was only then that it dawned on me that I had not yet seen or spoken to her yet and that we hadn’t had our usual pre-race chat. Her presence was definitely missed.
In the race itself I did quite well. Because the route had not being closed the day before the race I didn’t have an opportunity to ride it so although we had driven the route by car, I didn’t know the route as well I like to before I race. (I guess it’s the same with any cyclist, but with my disability it is always better if I can actually cycle the route a few days before so I can choose my lines and know how hard I can push myself at different stages of the route.) Also not in my favour was the fact that the route was not fully closed. When you have a problem with coordination racing while cars and trucks are overtaking you is not the easiest and safest way to ride. But despite that, I really handled my trike very well and was very chuffed at the speeds I was achieving. There were a few spots where I could see, and feel, that my training and fitness was lacking due to the last few weeks but when I got to the last few hundred meters of the race I was glad I had come, raced, and finished! My average speed where I had finished was a bit lower than I had hoped for, but the fact that I had completed the race and was taking home a medal for my dad and Linda would be enough for me this time around. The majority of the people at the race was surprised I was even there to race at a time such as this.
As now as I sit on a friend’s farm and recover from the last two weeks, I am starting to focus on what’s ahead. I have no control over the selection for the South African team that will happen in the next few weeks. I did the best I could with what I had during the last few weeks and have to just wait to see if my efforts were enough. I certainly hope to be named in the squad as there will be some funding coming through for the team this year. But before the international season starts in May, I will be doing the South African Sport Association for the Physically Disabled Championships in the middle of March. Thereafter the first two rounds of the Para-cycling World Cup is in Italy (9th – 12th May) and in Belgium (16th-19th May) which I hope to be taking part in. As always my participation in these overseas events are dependent on funding from sponsors as well as Cycling South Africa.
I would like to thank everyone who has supported me through the last few weeks, as well as Cycling SA for their support and understanding. A special thank you goes out to my friend, Anet who once again was my support at yet another competition as well as Estelle who came to support us on the day of the race.
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