So it has been awhile since my last blog. I had planned to continue writing about SA champs when I finished the previous blog but as we all know life doesn’t always go as planned. I felt like I had to continue the story of Nationals but in reality I didn’t want to relive it. I would settle with taking the the lessons learnt and just moving past it. That feeling was further exaggerated when I found out that I had not been selected for the SA National team! So instead of rehashing the past I want to clue you, my reader, in on the unexpected journey / awakening that this year has taken me on.
Not making the national team for the first time in eight years and the first time since I was named in the team initially was a real disappointment for me. At the start of this year I still felt like I had to prove that taking me to Tokyo was the correct choice. I knew, because I had been told by a person in the know, that my selection to the Paralympic team was ‘very political’ and not everyone was on board. So I felt that I HAD to make the team this year to let ‘them’ know that my selection last year wasn’t a mistake.
Lesson 1: Don’t live in the past – last year was over and I was still chasing ghosts.
Then I was already dreaming of Paris (the next Paralympics) – I knew I had work to do and it wouldn’t be easy but I was already setting my goals. My enthusiasm wasn’t helped by those around me already talking about ‘when I go to Paris’. There is no harm in dreaming big but letting yourself get lost in the future won’t get you there any faster. Thinking of the Paralympics is not how I got to Tokyo – yes it was always in the back of my mind because God had given me a promise but I had taken it step by step and just focused on the task at hand – the next competition or furthest time frame, the year that I found myself in.
Lesson 2: Don’t get lost in the future – focus on the next step
I also was reminded that not everything in a situation is bad and often you can still get some positives out of a situation. The trip to SA’s may not have been what I had hoped for but I did do my fastest speed ever on my trike and I now have a third person in my life who can work on my trike at competitions or who can assist me generally.
Lesson 3: Take the positives out of a difficult situation – every cloud has a silver lining
I have also, in the time since, done a lot of soul searching and thinking of what kind of help I need at competitions and the environment that I want to be in when I am racing. I have read that being an athlete is a very selfish endeavour. My faith and morals teach me the opposite and as a person I have struggled with the need to be selfish when it comes to my sport, to put my needs and wants above others. But I think I have now made peace with the fact that if I want to perform at my best a certain selfishness at certain times is going to be required and I might have to fight for that right at times - it doesn’t mean I am a selfish person all the time.
Lesson 4: At times it is ok to be selfish as long as it is only at certain times for good reason.
The reaction of different people to the news that I had not done enough to be in the team was also a lesson. One person in my close circle responded by asking me if after all the years of training I can still improve enough to make it back to the team. I don’t think it was asked in a bad way, but at that stage the news was still fresh and stinging and I was taken aback by the question because just in the previous few weeks I had done two personal bests. Another response was that the person said that I should be glad I didn’t have to worry about financing trips and travelling for the next few months. I can only explain my feelings about that as someone who is willing to sit in traffic for a few hours a day because they love the job they have. Yes, the lack of sponsorship to finance my sport is a drain on me but I do it because I love travelling and I love racing and I especially love the training.
Seeing people who were involved in my cycling after I broke the news of not making the team was also not a nice situation. I felt they had helped me and I had let them down. But I remember the first time I saw JC and Elbie and as they stood at my door talking to them I said something like ‘sorry that I didn’t make the team‘. I don’t remember JC’s reply fully but not once did he say anything negative or even doubt me. I remember him using the words ‘a new season’ and almost without words saying if you still keen to try again we are behind you – A sentiment that I truly appreciated as I was still grappling with being an Paralympic athlete in September and being dropped from the team in April.
Then there were comments from my coach who was undoubtedly still behind me and trying to understand the reasons for the selectors not choosing me. Once I had the courage to put something on Facebook there was a comment from a fellow trike rider saying that me not attending the upcoming international competitions was a loss/disappointing for the sport as we are so few athletes on tricycles. And finally I received so many messages from my close friends encouraging me just to focus ahead and to continue my cycling journey – again not one of them questioning my future in the sport (perhaps they were already thinking of lesson 6?)
At the end of last year or at the start of this year, I think I can’t remember the exact timing, a new couple became involved in my cycling and because I didn’t know them that well yet I thought their support would fade with the news. But over the last few months their support has grown and become a critical component for this period in my journey (more about this in the next blog).
A bit disappointing was the lack of messages from certain people I had expected to hear from but all this led me to lesson number 5. I was visiting a friend one day and we were discussing this exact thing. She said one day she ran a race and both her father and her coach were waiting for her at the line. Her father gave her a hug after the race and congratulated her on a good race. Next her coach came to her and said something like ‘good race but not your best because of X and Y’. She said that at that moment what her coach said made a bigger impact and she appreciated it more than the congratulations from her dad. Why? Because her coach understood the journey.
Lesson 5: Certain people will understand different aspects of your life and that’s ok. Find different people who will support you on different journeys that you will take.
Lesson 6 was something I already knew about myself but needed a reminder. I love a challenge and it makes sense because in some way every day is a challenge for me whether it’s getting dressed, eating a meal or typing a blog. So as I grappled with this new aspect of the journey I was embarking on, I decided to see the desire to once again dress in my national colours for a competition as a challenge. I always have strived to improve my cycling and my speeds but I have since discovered that there is a difference between wanting to improve -something that I always have - and needing to improve – something I now have to do if I want to rejoin the national team.
Lesson 6: Toni loves a challenge
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I wrote this blog a few weeks ago and I am only getting to post it now. In the meantime I have been able to qualify for the SA team that will go to the World Cup and World Champs in Canada in the beginning of August. Due to the fact that I have only qualified now and we need to book, flights, hotels, etc, ASAP we need to raise the funds really really quickly. If you can contribute any amount please go to my Backabuddy site: https://www.backabuddy.co.za/champion/project/toni-mould or contact me for my bank details. Thank you.
