So some of you may know that I asked my readers to propose topics for my blogs about Tokyo and Tim Stones, a fellow para athlete, asked me what I thought was an interesting question.
‘What motivates you? Where the going gets tough, what is it that drives you from within to get out and put in the hard yards?’
I think to adequately answer Tim’s question I have to divide my answer up because my motivation is not one thing but a few.
1. A desire to play
From a young age one of my biggest dreams was to take part in sport. Many of my readers will be familiar with the story of me wanting to participate in sports as a youngster but not being in the correct environment with adequate support to make that dream a reality. The only ‘sport’ I could participate in as a teenager was horse riding and even that I quickly knew wouldn’t allow me the opportunities to compete and take it to the highest level, although I loved it. From the age of 12yrs I was back in Plettenberg bay in a small private Christian school where I was the only physically disabled learner, so there were just no opportunities, coaches or facilities for me to pursue my sporting ambitions.
It was only at university that I had the opportunity to participate in my first sport for the disabled – Ballroom and Latin dancing. I spent about five years taking part in competitions and doing my dancing exams and I really enjoyed my time there, but again the sport (on national and international level) was mostly focused on wheelchair dancers and as a dancer who did not use a wheelchair, pursuing the sport after university when I didn’t have a constant partner, did not seem worth it.
So when the sport of para-cycling finally found me at the age of 29, I fell in love! This was a sport where I could push myself, I enjoyed the training, and could challenge myself. I love the feeling of freedom from my physical limitations when I am on the bike. Having the opportunity to spend time outdoors doing something that I, once I am on my trike, do not need another person’s assistance is very ‘freeing’. It plays a huge role in my motivation.
2. Mental and physical health
Living with a disability is not easy: it takes its toll not only on your physical health but also mental health. Throughout my life I have struggled with periods of depression and hopelessness because of the strain and frustration of living in a body which continually limits what I want to do more than most people. I also live in a world where my surroundings are not suited to my needs and where I feel like I have to prove my intelligence to people I meet. Quite early on in my cycling training I saw how much of a difference the training was making to my mental health. For much of the time that I was training I could cope with life, but as soon as I took a break from the bike my mental health would hit a slump. This is often what keeps me training more than the competitions that come and go – when I am on the bike/trike, I AM CHOOSING LIFE!
As my body started to mature I struggled physically as well. For a few years after starting cycling I still saw physical regression, and towards the end of 2019 I was starting to shop around for a permanent wheelchair because lower back pain was starting to severely limit my movements. For most people keeping fit and healthy is important but for someone with Cerebral Palsy it is even more so. So, finding something I loved and could do regularly and which would keep my muscles strong and joints healthy was a bonus. The fitter and stronger I became, the more I could try to stop the regression I was seeing. Cycling has opened doors for me to start seeing a biokineticist, 18 months ago. For the last nine months, because of my work with the biokineticist, I have stopped taking all pain medication and anti-inflammatories and have gone back to living a relatively pain free life. I am now doing things I have not been able to do for at least five years, if not longer!
You want to talk about motivation to keep going? That is it right there! The more pain free I can live, the more motivation I have to keep training.
3. A dream and a prophecy
One day when I was having a meltdown at school, because I couldn’t physically keep up with my peers (apparently, I don’t remember the exact situation) a teacher, Gill, sat with me and told me that God saw my situation and that one day I was going to go to the Paralympics. I dreamt of doing sport at the highest level but at that time it seemed impossible and a bit cruel to say something like that, when I have not even found a sport that I could possibly take part in. As I grew up and tried my hand at different activities, Gill, who had now become a mentor, as she wasn’t my teacher anymore, kept reminding me that I would one day get to the Games. With cycling, for many years everyone said I could compete at World Cups and World Champs but I was in the wrong class to make it to the Paralympics. Perhaps they knew the sport better than I did but I had a secret that had been placed inside of me years ago. There were times when I did catch myself doubting or was too scared to hope but I kept hold of what had been planted years earlier. As my cycling career started to develop and we got closer to Tokyo I saw doors opening and opportunities arising.
I was in the Netherlands at the World Champs at the end of 2019 when I finally believed that the female slot that SA had for Tokyo 2020 was mine (in my opinion)! I also remember standing in the competition tent asking our team manager, who was also the Paracycling Director, if they would take me to Tokyo. His answer – no. But I knew I was the only female paracyclist who had qualified for the slot due to competing in the correct competitions – at that stage 2019 World’s was the last qualification opportunity. Thankfully I had a cycling colleague, Carol, and a few others who were encouraging me to go for it, despite the answer of our manager. In February 2020 SASCOC sent me a letter saying they were willing to help me fund a trip to a competition to finish my qualification for Tokyo. I knew I was in business! Then Covid hit and the world fell apart.
It was sometime in April 2020 when the World was still in lockdown and reeling from Covid that I felt what I thought was God’s still small voice asking me if I still believed despite our new reality ? I really felt like He was setting a choice before me and whatever I chose then would play out in months to come. The choice: sit back, take a few months off, and see what would happen and maybe miss out on a chance. Or keep training, be intentional and get ready for the Games whenever they would be - the choice was mine and I felt this decision would be a turning point. I choose to do whatever I could where I was to get ready. At that stage I was staying with my mom in her small cottage on the quiet outskirts of Plett. I looked around and saw what I had brought from Stellenbosch – two arm weights, a rope and a list of my new biokinetics exercises (I had just started with biokinetics a few weeks earlier.) My mom had a stationary exercise bike and a big exercise ball. That was what I had, so that was what I was going to use. When it became clear that I was going to be at home for a few months, I emailed one of my sponsors to see if I could use some of my grant to get my bike couriered up to Plett. Permission received, I asked two friends in Stellenbosch to pack up my tricycle in my flat, my winter training gear and send it to me. I was on a mission and thankfully I had support from family and friends.
I remember those early morning winter training sessions in Plett ! At that time during the lockdown we had very strict rules as to when we could leave the property to exercise outdoors – only between 6am and 9am. The first 1 ½ hours of that time was still dark! My family lived next to the wetland, probably the coldest part of Plett, so even being up and ready at 8am was torture. Out on the road at that hour – I thought I might lose a limb or digit cycling in like 5 degree temperatures! My family often just shook their heads at my determination to go cycling. But I had made a choice. I was standing on a promise and it wasn’t just going to happen if I stayed in my cosy bed.
I could go on but I think that’s enough for one blog. My motivation for the next few years has already changed a bit since Tokyo but my mission stays the same, listen to where God wants me and make choices that positively impacts my life as well as those around me.